Deesha Philyaw

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We think the worst thing is for our kids to feel unloved if we’re not there–but the worst is if we’re not there for ourselves; if we’re not showing up for the things we’re passionate about, to have unrealized dreams as a mother.

transcript

(May 6, 2021) Deesha Philyaw’s debut short story collection, The Secret Lives of Church Ladies was a finalist for the 2020 National Book Award in fiction and won The Story Prize and the PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction. The Secret Lives of Church Ladies focuses on Black women, sex, and the Black church. Deesha is also the co-author of Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce, written in collaboration with her ex-husband. Her work has been listed as Notable in the Best American Essays series, and her writing on race, parenting, gender, and culture has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, Brevity, Ebony, and Bitch magazines, as well as many others.

FROM THE EPISODE: READING LIST & REFERENCES

Deesha Philyaw
The Secret Lives of Church Ladies
Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce
Best American Essays
Literary Mamacalled “The Girl Is Mine”
Carl Jung: “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”
Tessa Thompson
Anne Lamott
Paul Beatty’s The Sellout

sound bites

“Kids are not widgets. You can’t just put in inputs and get guaranteed outputs.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“I was a stay-at-home mom and taking care of my daughter 24/7. I carved out a little bit of time each day to write, and it started to expand over time. Being a mother taught me that time is precious.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“Having children forces you to ask, ‘What are your stories to tell and what are not your stories to tell?'”-@deeshaphilyaw

“I want my children to feel like they belong to themselves and are not beholden to others. We can model that by letting them know they’re not even beholden to me, as their parent: You belong to yourself.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“I was dissatisfied in my own life, but I wasn’t comfortable writing nonfiction, so I gave that dissatisfaction to my characters.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“If I liked a book, I sent that author the dorkiest fan mail and said, “I want to be a writer. Do you have any advice for me?” People would write back. I learned a lot by asking that question.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“You need readers who love you enough to tell you the truth and not just blow smoke up your ass–to tell you when something isn’t great and how you can make it great.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“It’s important to find writing communities who can be your readers. You need your champions. It’s like your mom putting your stuff on the refrigerator. People who are gonna cheer you on, no matter what.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“We think the worst thing is for our kids to feel unloved if we’re not there, but the worst is if we’re not there for ourselves; if we don’t show up for what we’re passionate about, to have unrealized dreams as a mother.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“My dissatisfaction was based on not being content with what we’re told we’re supposed to be content with, and not being content with having done everything right. For those of us who are married, or married heterosexually, if you found a good man, you’ve had these children, you’re financially stable, the world tells you that should be enough. Certainly, you’re happy.”

“For those of us who are married, or married heterosexually, if you found a good man, you’ve had these children, you’re financially stable, the world tells you that should be enough. Certainly, you’re happy.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“For many of us, the range of what we’re raised to want is really small. Personal satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, is low on the totem pole. When we do small things for ourselves, like take time to write, we feel selfish.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“I grew up with the idea that when someone committed to you ‘now everything will be fine.’ But there wasn’t enough conversation about the quality of the relationship. Marriage was presented as an accomplishment.”-@deeshaphilyaw

“I have a sense of urgency around writing because I feel, especially during the pandemic, that we are mortal; we don’t have forever. Instead of doom & gloom urgency, I want to tell this story & see what happens next.”-@deeshaphilyaw

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